Answers to 40 Campaign Questions

This one requires a bit of backstory.

Over at coins and scrolls, Skerples has set forth answering Jeff Rients (of Broodmother Skyfortress renown) twenty quick questions for your campaign setting. Not content to stop there, he also answered an additional twenty not-questions for your campaign from the eminent Scrap Princess.

Now Skerples -- gentleman and scholar, fine judge of whiskey -- has some good answers. Were it MY campaign, however, it would go a bit more like this:

1. What is the deal with my cleric's religion?

Clerics praise the sun. Milla, in her infinite kindness, has graced the world with divine magic. This magic, taking the form of photo/electro/pyromancy, is the only truly effective weapon against the bubbling chaos.

2. Where can we go to buy standard equipment?

This here hamlet has a fine assortment of farming implements and cutlery for sale. Oh, you want battle-tested weaponry? Well, the local abbey's been quartering soldiers for a while, but I've heard the captain's a bit bloodthirsty.

3. Where can we go to get platemail custom fitted for this monster I just befriended?

That depends, will it bite while it’s being fitted? If not, the smiths over at Varnhold are adept at fitting lycanthropes, so they may be able to help.

4. Who is the mightiest wizard in the land?

WHO TOLD YOU I KNEW THAT?! NOBODY KNOWS WHO THE MIGHTIEST WIZARD IS, CERTAINLY NOT I, NO SIR, FOR I'VE HEARD LEGENDS SHE LIKES HER PRIVACY AND THINKS VERY POORLY OF COMPETITION

5. Who is the greatest warrior in the land?

Ah, that would be old Raja the Red. He's retired now, but in his prime it's said nobody could stand against him for more than 6 seconds. 10 seconds, in the early days.

6. Who is the richest person in the land?

Palisade Lecardt, leader of the Archeologists. You see that walled city up on the mountain? That's his. Damn if I know what they do up there, though.

7. Where can we go to get some magical healing?

If you head on out to the woods, you might stumble upon a fairy hill. The gentry there will cure most minor ailments in exchange for stories from your childhood; don't ask them why they want that. No matter what they say or do, don't stay overnight, and make sure you've got some salt or iron on you for if things go south.

8. Where can we go to get cures for the following conditions: poison, disease, curse, level drain, lycanthropy, polymorph, alignment change, death, undeath?

A proper cleric can deal with most of those problems, but you may not like their solution to undeath.

9. Is there a magic guild my MU belongs to or that I can join in order to get more spells?

Ah, Feyfield is a lovely school. I thought of sending my youngest there once, when I caught her dancing in the pale moonlight. They're always looking for new teachers, and their library is the best around.

10. Where can I find an alchemist, sage or other expert NPC?

Once again, Feyfield Academy is your best option -- though they won't come cheap, its one of the few areas where knowledge and mystical secrets trade as easy as coin.

11. Where can I hire mercenaries?

How much are you paying?

12. Is there any place on the map where swords are illegal, magic is outlawed or any other notable hassles from Johnny Law?

Well, I wouldn’t go swinging your axe or setting off fireballs in the village square.  Aside from that, most places are pretty tolerant, though some clerical orders have started barring sorcerers and wizards from their churches.

13. Which way to the nearest tavern?

You're standing in it, boy-o. I've got homemade ale on tap, smallbeer for the wee'uns, and a few casks of Bitterblue for the more... discerning palette.

14. What monsters are terrorizing the countryside sufficiently that if I kill them I will become famous?

We try to clear out areas as they get bad. There's a great red dragon that's taken up roost under Redcliff, but I wouldn't try plundering her hoard if you've got any sense in you.

15. Are there any wars brewing I could go fight?

Remember those soldiers I was talking about? They’re marching on Varnhold to deal with Astera’s Uprising in a week.

16. How about gladiatorial arenas complete with hard-won glory and fabulous cash prizes?

We’re not much for bloodsport here. Some of the bigger cities may have underground fighting pits, but if you’re looking for lots of cash you’re better off joining a mercenary company.

17. Are there any secret societies with sinister agendas I could join and/or fight?

The Archeologists are certainly secretive, but whether they’re the sinister ones or the ones fighting them is up for debate.

18. What is there to eat around here?

We serve fresh stew and bread twice daily. Meat when we can get it, usually twice a week or so.

19. Any legendary lost treasures I could be looking for?

Long ago, a battle-weary paladin used his last breath to consecrate the area that the abbey would eventually be built upon. They say his sword, still shining, lays under the foundation, but all efforts to find it have met with failure. In fact, I can’t think of a single expedition that’s gone under the old church that’s ever come back…(I used this as a hook for “The God that Crawls”)

20. Where is the nearest dragon or other monster with Type H treasure?

That’d definitely be the Malice Miser, the one under Redcliff. She fancies herself as a bit of an art collector, and the whole town’s so desperate to please her that they’ve invited artists, musicians, and sculptors for miles around to vie for her favor.

As for SP's not-questions:

1. Is there weaponized squid?

Absolutely. They’re giant, and outfitted by fish-people to be used as underwater siege weapons.

1. Can I start with one?

Only if you’re a fish-person who made off with it Imperator Furiosa-style.

2. How much are they?

Fish-people use murder as an pseudo-barter system. So, a successful raid on an enemy settlement in which you kill 4 people would allow you to live comfortably for about a month. In order to buy a warsquid, you would have to have been instrumental in the death of hundreds, if not thousands.

3. Can I have one as a pet/horse/best friend?

See subquestion 1 above.

4. Can I play one?

Warsquids are fiercely loyal. An owned one is like an extension of its owner (so yes, in a sense).

5. Can I dual wield them?

Your foolish pride will damn us all!

2. Is there undead robots?

Ah, the dreaded Technonomicon. Long thought lost, but pages detailing rituals to bind souls to machinery show up from time to time in the hands of deranged collectors.

1. follow up questions involve the nature of consciousness and the existence of the soul in your campaign and can I play one?

Absolutely, but be warned I will work in a lucid dream of electric sheep somewhere in the campaign.

2. or have one as a pet or a gun that shoots them?

Are you a deranged collector? Serious question.

3. Do icebergs walk across the land?

Absolutely not while people are watching.

1. Can I be from one?

I am incredibly lenient with character backstory, so yes.

2. Is Godzilla frozen in one?

Indubitably.

3. Can I play a Godzilla?

Bring good beer to the first session and I’ll let you play as baby godzilla.

4. What do birds know? (no further questions)

Way more than you think. I’m glad you thought to ask!

5. Does medicine work like it does here but no-one knows CPR or does it work like a cartoon so I cure amnesia with more head injuries or does it work like medieval euro people thought it did with demons in your teeth?

Lets just say that Robert Liston would be considered an incredibly talented doctor here.

1. Do I start with demons in my teeth?

Did you dump Wisdom? If so, you’re probably possessed by something, so yes.

2. Do I know CPR?

Rudimentarily, yes. Though, only in that most people’s reaction to seeing a friend drop dead is to furtively pound on their chest.

3. Can I invent CPR?

If you can describe how your character independently discovered the exact workings of pulmonary circulation, yes.

4. Can I give myself powers with additionally organs?

Well, that depends upon the organs. A 2nd set of lungs or stomach, expertly grafted? Absolutely so.

5. What planet is in ascension in my spleen midmorning?

Carcosa. Always Carcosa.

6. I want to play a hobbit but really I'm the fleas controlling the hobbit. Where is that in the book?

My players don’t read the books.

1. Could I take over a new guy with my fleas? Or another players guy?

As long as it doesn’t overstep the boundaries of “Charm Person/Monster,” go wild.

7. How much could I rent my body out to spirits before I lost control of my character?

I’d let you roll under WIS every level up to maintain control, with the associated level being added to the roll.

1. What are the names of the spirits? Are they cool?

There’s a lot of different names, depending upon the area, your past lives, and particular vices. Regardless, experience has proven that the spirits are always cooler than the original players.

8. What level do I have to get my character to before I am the GM?

Name level. Around that time I get the hankering to play again, so I usually give up the reins.

1. Can I half be the GM at an early level?

Only if you agree to obey the law of equivalent exchange: to obtain, something of equal value must be lost.

2. What about when you leave the room?

No! That’s when you’re supposed to be looking at my notes and trying to outsmart me.

9. What is the dumbest thing I can spend my money on?

The barkeep will be more than willing to sell you an anti-air elemental rock. Since he’s owned it, he’s never been attacked by an air elemental.

1. No dumber than that but cool. Like a pet with a pet with a weapon? Can pets dual wield?

Intelligent pets can totally dual wield. Unintelligent pets can too, but only accidentally by way of strapping weapons to them. I’m not sure which is funnier.

10. How ugly can my guy be? Like Can I basically be a walking fish?

I encourage it, I’m really liking the warsquid idea.

1. No wait I wanna be a walking fish. What is the reverse scuba technology like in this world?

Well, first you’d need to invent CPR. Now that you have an adequate understanding of the respiratory system, you can reverse-engineer the “Water Breathing” spell.

11. The lamp oil? Is that like cooking oil, kerosene, white spirits or napalm?

Rendered animal fat.

1. How much can I buy of it?

To quote a friend, “as much as your gay little hands can carry.”

12. How does physics work in this world?

The sun is a literal god. Light is intrinsically linked with clerical magic, which suffers in the darkness. A non-insignificant portion of clerics work to spread light across the planet by way of an elaborate system of mirrors and portals.

1. What makes the planets stay up? Are there planets? Is it elves?

There are many planets, held in place by Milla’s love. She might actually be an elf, it’s never come up.

2. Can I play an elf from another planet?

I hate Spelljammer. So no.

3. Does everything work like how we though it did in the past?

People thought a lot of things in the past. I would say that, barring magic, global scientific knowledge is on par with the early renaissance: a lot of the general stuff has been hashed out, but specific details are being unearthed all the time.

4. Can I discover stuff and pass it off as a magic?

Easily.

5. Is possible to use the scientific process to organise the concepts of magic?

That’s how it’s been done so far. Archwizards in my setting are far closer to Paracelsus and Agrippa than they are to Gandalf and Prospero.

13. Can I start with weapon hands?

I encourage and recommend it. The harder it is to disarm you.

1. What about crab claws?

I actually have a huge interest in the history of prosthetics, so that sounds awesome!

2. Can I play a crab with human hands?

A disfigured, escaped fish-person slave sounds like a great character idea.

3. Can I have one as a pet?

A warlord with a disfigured fish-person slave sounds like a great character idea.

4. Do they live on a different planet?

Nope, they’re right here.

5. Can we go there?

Yes!

14. What cultures approve of cannibalism?

The hungry ones.

1. What about if we are super rich? Aren't rich cannibals be default, I mean if you think about it?

The rich are ABSOLUTELY cannibals. Listen, I’ve got some books here you should check out...

2. How is the class struggle here anyway? Is there a Karl Marx?

Ophelia Astera, leader of the revolution, seeks to overthrow the aristocracy with a rag-tag band of farmers, laborers, and mercenaries. She’s proven to be significantly more resilient than the crown expected.

3. How receptive are people to the ideas of anarcho-syndicalism here?

Cornbread communism is alive and well in most minor towns.

15. Can my character not be real, but a hallucination of another character?

Sure thing.

1. But I still wanna be able to do stuff. What are the stats for that?

Okay, lets get freaky. For the most part, they will be the ones performing your actions. They just don’t know it yet. Actions that require you two to be in different places can be explained by coincidence: if you scout ahead and kill two enemies before the rest of the party gets there, it turns out they actually killed each other in a minor squabble. In the event that the other player is knocked unconscious or killed while you still live, you’re birthed from their dying consciousness like a beholder.

16. Which is the rome but with lava fire country in this world?  

The paladins of the Church of Eternal Vigilance. Their citadel is situated on and around a gaping maw called the Cataract, which pours forth demons and chaos at an astonishing rate. Every day they mount expeditions down, and every night they fight what comes back up.

1. What about the ice circus country? Can I have a pet from there?

The northern pole, known as Lolatea, is as close as you’d get. It’s a hub where merchants from the surface and hollow world trade. If you’re looking for strange fun, there’s no better place. And yes, they do sell pets.

17. Can I invent an insect?

Magic solves a lot of these problems.

1. As a player like right now I tell you an insect and you put it in the game?

Yes.

2. Or as a character?

It’s not unlikely that the insect already exists. There are a LOT of bugs in the world.

3. Can my spells be insects that then exist in this world after I cast them?

An entomancer? Come aside with me, let’s hash this out in more detail.

4. Can I play an insect who is actually a spell cast in this world?

I allow all manner of failed experiments, botched summonings, and cast-off abominations in my game.

5. What about as a pet?

See above.

18. Is there reverse fire?

Gross oversimplification: fire converts material into heat and light. So we’re looking at something that converts heat and light into materials, also known as a cleric.

1. What about reverse water or earth?

Reverse water is Chaos: it eats away at all life and nurtures nothing. Reverse Earth is the hollow world of Halfenrir, accessible by deep tunnels at either pole.

2. What do they wear there?

Because the smaller sun is always held in the dead center of the hollow world, mostly light and breezy clothing that doesn’t overheat much.

19. How much money can I make inventing siege engines?

In a warzone? A killing.

1. Can I play a siege engine? In what ways are animals used in siege engines?

I’ve already answered this.

20. What is the most significant tree to the economy of the starting place?

Ash, because it doesn’t burn. Houses made of ash are a rare and valuable commodity.

1. Is it really a tree or maidens stitched together?

It is a tree.

2. If I play a maiden do I get spells or do people that worship me get spells but only if I'm mad at them?

Virginal magic is inherently misogynistic and has no place in my world! Unicorns will still flock to you though.

Table: What Does the Storm Bring?

It’s hurricane season where I live. I chose to evacuate, but only to an area just northernly enough to avoid the brunt of the damage. From there I watched the storm in relative safety, jotting down notes on the strange shadows and creatures I convinced myself I saw amongst the rain and wind. If your players are ever faced with a tremendous gail, perhaps it goes something like this:

What Does the Storm Bring? (d12)

1) Thin, worm-like creatures erupt from cracks and eerily-smooth holes in the ground. They aren’t aggressive, content to wave in the howling wind and rain. Attacking one causes several others in the immediate vicinity to retreat into the ground.

2) Trees and their limbs are sheared off with surgical precision. Any building made from the resultant lumber is doomed to fail catastrophically in 1d4 years.

3) It’s raining teeth. Various dentata, some human, some not, cause 1d4 damage per minute spent out of cover.

4) Flashes of lightning expose the creatures that live above the clouds. Pray they don’t notice you.

5) There is thunder, but no lightning. The world is dark and the noise is deafening.

6) A band of wind elementals ride with the storm, slaughtering men and cattle indiscriminately.

7) People get the urge to walk into the storm. They eventually find themselves far from home, with no memory of how they got there.

8) Ball lightning. Tons of them wandering, bumping into each other, and exploding in a shower of sparks.

9) Fish are picked up from the nearest water source and fall with the rain. After the storm passes, they slowly flop and flail their way back to the water, no matter the distance.

10) It looks like it’s raining outside, but it isn’t. It is raining inside, but invisibly.

11) The entire storm falls in one giant drop. Needless to say, this is disastrous.

12) Any metal object left outside during the storm is buffed, polished, and sharpened to a razor edge. Be careful opening door handles.

Actual Play: Tomb of the Serpent Kings

Several members of my usual MotBM group couldn't meet this week, so I decided to use the two that did show up as guinea pigs to test both my new system (Sugarhack, a The Black Hack spin-off I may release someday) and Tomb of the Serpent Kings, by Skerples. Now, these are experienced players, and I was more interested in seeing how the module stood up to a veritable speedrun, so the rules were simple:

1. This is a dungeoncrawl. I haven't prepped anything outside the tomb.
2. No retainers, hirelings, or livestock.
3. Three hour time limit.

Characters were rolled (Festa the thief, Lesta the ranger) and we jumped right in.

Suspicious from the start, both men refused to open the coffins contained within the first four rooms ("I ain't getting strangled by zombies 5 minutes into the session") and headed immediately forward towards the hammer door. It took two of them to lift the heavy stone barring the door, and as the hammer trap swung down, each character was faced with a choice: push the other into the trap to get an advantage on their dodge, or simply jump away...assuming their partner didn't sacrifice THEM.

I resolved this as a pseudo-prisoners dilemma: I had both players silently choose to either sacrifice the other or not, and write down their answers. When it came time to reveal, I was surprised to discover that neither of them had chosen "sacrifice." Honor among thieves, I can only assume.

Progressing into the next room, the duo's attention was immediately drawn to the three ornate coffins leaning against the north wall. Festa had the foresight to purchase a ten foot pole, and started poking them from a respectable distance. Immediately the coffins started to shake, rattle, and roll in a way not unlike a scene in the second-to-latest Game of Thrones episode, which we had watched together earlier that day. Our heroes weren't looking for a fight, but they were looking for burial gifts and other riches, so it was decided that the best way to reconcile those desires would be to hoist a coffin upon their shoulders and throw it into the hammer trap.

However, neither of them had rolled a particularly high STR score, and so they dropped the coffin halfway across the room, breaking it open and revealing the very angry snake-man skeleton inside. We rolled initiative, and the party won: a few incredibly well-placed stabs and arrows later, and the skeleton was truly laid to rest. A brief discussion followed, wherein I humbly asked how they could possibly kill a skeleton with arrows. We eventually concluded that Lesta had managed to hit it in an eye socket, exploding its skull. Metal.

The two decided against checking the other two coffins, and instead headed south into the small shrine room. I pointed out the obvious secret passage beneath it, long since revealed by the steady erosion of surface water dripping from the ceiling. The party dropped down into the second level, lighting a torch to reveal a long, darkened corridor lined with fearsome statues.

Festa noticed that one of the statues was on a swivel, not unlike a Scooby-Doo bookshelf. Rotating it revealed a secret room with a small silver icon and two hooked polearms, which they stole and piled under the hole they dropped down from. Progressing east, they entered another octagonal room with doors at each cardinal and primary intercardinal direction (I looked that up just now), dominated in the center by a large, murky black pool which they were immediately suspicious of. Taking care to skirt around the edges of the room so as not to trigger my obvious encounter, they entered the rooms in a clockwise manner: nearly avoiding a lightning trap (once again owing to the ten foot pole) in the first, completely avoiding the very angry skeleton in the second and the ooze in the third, and bravely running away from the stone cobra guardian directly to the east. If this review is doing a disservice to the module, it's only because my players are the most damnably intelligent cowards I've ever known.

The southeast room held little but some beds (they stole the sheets) and a nice piece of treasure, as the players were unable to decipher the writing on the scrolls lining the walls. Similarly little time was spent in the southern room, but upon discovering the room of statues to the southwest, the party decided to investigate a little further, correctly assuming from past experiences that these statues held a secret. They discovered the secret passage behind one of them, and headed down into floor 3.

Our noble graverobbers emerged in a large, pitch-black chamber, quiet save for the gently clinking of chains on stone coming from the east. Wisely, they decided to head west, entering a small hallway and turning south to come upon a large, barrel-like stone blocking their way. The stone had an indent big enough for two people, and rotated along the z axis to (presumably) grant passage to the other side of the hallway. Lesta wasn't convinced. He stuffed the stolen sheets into the hole and spun the great stone counterclockwise like he was on The Price is Right. When it spun back around, the rag was in tatters, as if pierced by a thousand tiny spears (it was). Replacing it with another sheet, they spun the stone clockwise, and it emerged unscathed. Thus, our daring duo with a combined intelligence of 14 narrowly avoided impalement. They climbed in, pushed off in a clockwise manner, and emerged on the other side, picking up a pair of gold bowls hidden in an alcove along the way.

This new area was hewn from natural stone and slick with a strange, fungoid goo, in stark contrast to the dusty-but-otherwise-well-kept areas before. After wading waist-deep through a room filled with feathers, rags, and bowls of fat, Festa and Lesta come across a strange sight: a decrepit throne room, with two creatures angrily fighting over a crown made of melted spoons. The monsters appeared to be goblins, but covered in fungal growths and oozing a disgusting, pus-like slime from every orifice. It was appalling, and only more so as they rushed up to the PCs, offering the crown to Lesta. He humbly accepted the title of Cutlery King without question. However, his reign was short-ruled: from behind came a sound not unlike that of tuna sloshing around in too much oil. The four citizens of Lestalia turned to discover a skeleton covered in orange goop coming their way. The fungus goblins were terrified, and fled immediately. Festa threw a torch at it, which fizzled out as it touched the slimy surface. Now trapped in the darkness with a weird bone jelly (Lesta tried to convince me he was also carrying a torch, but I killed that idea after reminding him he had been shooting arrows this entire time), our heroes panicked and attempted to run away. Lesta was caught by the creature, who's only method of attack seemed to be grabbing Lesta's head and shaking it violently like a felonious babysitter. Breaking free, L and F decided to retreat into the hitherto-unexplored room to the east, which was supposed to be a huge mass of goblins but was instead a farm, owing to me misreading the map I placed on the same page as the room description. DMing is hard.

Finally free from the murderous science display, Festa wisely lit another torch, and the party proceeded north to find a secret passage to the surface world. They rested, leveled up, and re-entered the tomb from the front door, intent on exploring every nook and cranny they had previously missed.

Inside the four rooms they avoided in their first excursion were discovered some trinkets and a lovely snake ring that Lesta put on his middle finger, turning his fingernail into a bifurcated, poisonous facsimile of snake fangs. The two let out a collective "huh" and proceeded down into the second floor(disabling the hammer trap along the way), stopping briefly to put Sparamantur the angry giant skeleton out of his misery. They attempted to fight the Snake Temple Guardian that they had previously run from, but decided to instead flee (forward this time) after it nearly one-shot the thief. Finding themselves in new territory, with an angry golem behind and an endless chasm ahead, the pair proceeded south with caution.

They shortly came across a large door not unlike the one that nearly squashed them two floors up, and they approached it with well-deserved apprehension. There was no hammer mechanism to be found, but Festa saw scuff marks on the ground that seemed to indicate somebody being flung over the chasm with great force. They decided to ignore the door for now, and continue south. Sadly, their path was blocked by a large procession of dungeon barnacles, which Lesta knew could strip and eat an adventurer in minutes, given half the chance. Lacking any other options, they decided to crumble up their rations and throw them at the creatures, hoping to satisfy their hunger if only for the moment needed to get past. This worked slightly (Lesta failed his DEX check and was trapped for a round) and shortly the pair found themselves in a small, branching hallway heading north and south. They went south.

The next room had the appearance of a torture chamber. Dried blood and other questionable fluids painted the walls, and a long-abandoned pair of manacles sat coiled in the center. Festa went forward to pick them up, but was ensnared by the magic cuffs, which seemed to tighten by the second. Luckily, the quick-thinking-when-he-thinks-at-all thief was able to pick the lock, and ran from the room into a conjoined chamber featuring a locked iron door to the west, a broken stone door to the south, and a plain door to the north. South led to a massive treasure hall, enough to set two hardened criminals on the straight and narrow for years to come. North led to a horrifying sacrificial flame pit, and more wanton death. They went north.

The flame pit was intriguing, but ultimately my players knew better than to slide down the curved floor to retrieve the meager trinkets that lay below. Instead, they went west, which led to a curved hallway flanked with two life-like stone statues of snake-men. These were summarily ignored, but the door they appeared to be guarding was opened to reveal a lovely woman shackled to the floor. She introduced herself as LaLiberte, a botanist from the nearby town of Bellacy. After conferring with me to determine if there was a town named Bellacy nearby (there was) and if they knew of any botanists there (they didn't) the players grew suspicious and turned to leave. LaLiberte begged them to help her, producing a ruby the size of her fist from a side pocket, claiming it to be her family jewel. She turned on the charm --

I'm going to pause here to admit that I suck at playing damsels in distress (and especially disguised succubi, as is the case here), for one because I find them kind of sexist and two because I play in a public game/comic store and the requisite begging/flirting/vague hints at sexual favors to come is really hard to play off when there's a ten-year old looking at green lantern comics right behind you. I did the best I could, though, and I got what I (she) wanted in the end, so everything's cool.

-- and eventually convinced Lesta to take it, along with a magical dagger that lay across the room. However, in retrieving the treasures, Lesta unwittingly stepped over the magic circle holding Baltoplat, the bound succubus, in place, allowing her to quickly strike and drain him of power (and Constitution!). With a giggled "see ya, shitlords!" Baltoplat grew wings and fled the tombs, never to return.

At this point Lesta had been shaken, chased, and partially molested. Through careful mapping he figured that the door to the west should connect to the large room with the secret passage to the second floor. They were correct, but upon stepping into the room remembered why they had not come this way before: the rattling of chains close by, and a pair of brilliant blue eyes staring back at them from the darkness. They had entered the basilisks lair.

Immediately they felt a twinge of numbness spread over their fingers and toes. After a few seconds, they noticed their limbs growing heavy and their skin beginning to turn grey, and that's when they finally realized the extent of their troubles. As the basilisk rushed forward, its jaws snapping hungrily, Lesta and Festa heroically passed their DEX saving throw, giving them enough time to hightail it back to the surface world.

They sold their ill-gotten wares and used the money to restock, drink, and carouse until dawn, wherein Lesta's middle finger fell off, turned into a snake, and slithered away. Easy come, easy go, Lesta always said. They headed back down for one final scan of the place, heading west again from the basilisk chamber but instead choosing to go straight forward into the living quarters of a very well-mannered snake-man lich.

"Greetings, bipeds!" boomed the desiccated serpent. It introduced itself as Xiximanter, royal sorcerer to the snake-man empire that by now must control half the planet. Our heroes side-eyed each other, but said nothing. Xiximanter had been hard at work for the past few months/years/centuries, attempting to perfect his immortality potions. They almost worked, in that they turned people into unkillable gummy skeletons described by Skerples as "too dumb to live and too stupid to die." The lich led the duo into his potion room, which contained some number of various potions, along with approximately 10 fungus goblins crammed into a cage and complaining miserably. After inquiring as to whether or not Xiximanter would be willing to trade any of his potions, the kindly undead smiled and presented several options: a potion of minor immortality, a potion of spell change, and several healing potions. However, Lesta was a man of discerning taste, and demanded to know about the major immortality potion; Xiximanter grew excited and, after rummaging through an ornate chest, brought forth a bubbling black ichor in a test tube, claiming it the newly-perfect immortality potion. Lesta immediately drank it, because he was an idiot, and he immediately died, because all of my not-so-subtle hints about skeleton jellies and failed immortality experiments apparently fell on deaf ears.

At this point, I decided to call the session, in part because they had explored the lions share of rooms and in part because we were the only ones in the shop and the friendly old grognard behind the register looked like he wanted to go home early. All in all? An enjoyable session that, had I made any attempt to develop, could be the catalyst for an entire campaign centered around the lost snake-man civilization. As it were, this session functioned more or less as a stress test: I took the dungeon, ran it strictly by the books under the worst conditions (only two players, untested ruleset, experienced dungeoncrawlers, time limit) and still managed a memorable, exciting session. Had I run it as intended, with several new players learning the intricacies of the dungeon over several sessions, there is not a doubt in my mind that it would have served its purpose wonderfully. Tomb of the Serpent Kings gets a gold star for ease of use, playability, flavor, and design.