Saturday, August 12, 2017

What Your Weapon Choice Says About You

by Raja the Red, retired adventurer

Axe, Battle
You know the value of intimidation and consider sneaking to be a waste of time. The idea of attacking without screaming feels odd to you, like steak without potatoes or wearing a shirt.

Axe, Hand
As above, but sometimes your target is more than 5 feet away.

If you're using a club, thats because you were disarmed and happened to see a log lying nearby. If you actually bought one of these in town, then I can only assume you eat dirt for breakfast and have, at one point in your life, attempted a plunging attack.

I hate crossbows, and I probably hate you. All the annoyance of a cowardly archer with none of the wrist strength. If we ever cross paths, you better hope that first shot kills me, because I'll be looting your corpse by the time you manage to rack another bolt.

You're a magic-user. If you ever have to use this, something has gone terribly, terribly wrong.

Dagger, Silver
You have reason to believe lycanthropes may be afoot. A smart decision, but, like the dagger, if this is your first choice of weaponry, I don't foresee you using it to any major effect.

War Hammer
You, I like you. A pragmatist, someone who says, "could be skeletons, could be slimes. Best to keep my options open." If you chose a warhammer as your weapon of choice, you can stop reading these now. There's nothing more I can teach you, noble soldier.

Another excellent choice, given its portability and ease of use. Problem is, it's a bit of a one-trick-pony: you can't break down a door with a javelin, or cut a rope, and it's not even long enough to function as an impromptu 10-foot pole. That being said, any strong adventurer worth their salt would do well to have a few of these strapped to their back.

You enjoy murdering people from 10' away, on horseback. It fills you with a sense of joy that you never experienced with your father, the landed Baron D'Auvine, whome trainede youe frome childhoode ine thee wayse ofe thee straightsworde, thee rapiere, ande thee salade-forke.

Long Bow
You're an elf, or you might as well be with the amount of time you spend running through trees and hunting rabbits. 

You're a cleric, or a particularly snooty paladin. Because the gods frown on the shedding of blood, but are a bit fuzzy on the subject of kneecaps.

Pole Arm
Now we're getting into the fun stuff. Remember what I said about War Hammers? It's about 300 words up, so if you don't, you probably buy clubs. Anyways, take the war hammer and push that versatility up another notch. You need to stab a guy from across the room? Pole arm's got you covered. Smash his brains in? Yup. Slice his head off? You bet your sweet ass. Need to keep some rough customers at bay to give your friends some breathing room? You picked the right weapon, you lucky ducky. The polearm is basically every weapon you could ever need, strapped to a hefty 6-8' reinforced wooden shaft that's perfect for parrying. And hey! If it turns out you don't actually want to kill the thing thats attacking you (I don't understand it myself, but I'm told it comes up from time to time) just flip your halberd around and beat it senseless with the non-pointy end. The polearm is the weapon of champions, although if you call it a "bec-de-corbin" or a "bill-guisarme" I'll take you outside and beat you with a stick.

I don't trust you. There's only two kinds of people who use staffs: wizards, and monks. Either way, someone's waking up with one hell of a headache tomorrow.

Short Bow
You kill people from horseback, but even using a spear or lance is getting too close for comfort. Alternatively, you're too short to use a real bow, in which case I'd recommend you walk in front of me so I can swing above you.

I hesitate to classify this as a weapon, seeing as how I've never seen anyone over the age of 12 using it. I suppose if you need to break a dragons windows or torment a witches cat, there are worse ways of flinging a pebble. Oh, and I guess it doesn't classify as a "bladed weapon" for the god-bothering type.

Doesn't have all the benefits of a pole arm, but it does allow you to use a shield in the off hand. I'd probably allow you to lead the group while I throw javelins from the back row. 

Similar to the spear, you enjoy stabbing people from behind a large, comfortable piece of reinforced wood or steel. I'd say you're a coward, but odds are you're going to be the honorable sort who drags me unconscious and bleeding from the depths of hell, so I begrudgingly thank you for that.

Short Sword
You stab people for a living. Not goblins or orcs, but fair-hearted, just-trying-to-make-a-living people. And they don't even see you coming. Alternatively, you ride a large animal of some kind and wield one of these in both hands. Like a dwarf's braided beard, your style is very flashy and impressive, but ultimately useless.

Two-Handed Sword
What are you, a maniac? You take one look at a shield, the lifesaving instrument that is often the only thing between you and eating an arrow, and think, "well, it's nice, but then I'll only be able to use a regular-sized sword." Honestly, you frighten me. Not because you've clearly got nothing to lose and everything to gain by fighting me, but because being anywhere near you is a recipe for disaster when you start the pain hurricane a-spinnin'. No. Put that back, and get a reasonable weapon.

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